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Birthday and More

Hello,

I've been meaning to post an update for awhile. I notice a lot of my life is like that. I mean to do something but it always seems to take a long time to translate that intention into action.

The depression has been a lot better. I still have a lot of anxiety especially in crowded places. I really dislike shopping for groceries in the city. Thankfully it's not too bad at the local grocery store.

I have most of the week off of work so that I'm able to concentrate on working at Vacation Bible School at my church. Thursday's are hard to book off so I am working a three hour shift there but other than that... and it's paperback order time so I brought home the catalogues to look through.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday! YAY!!! After VBS tomorrow I'm going to be heading over to my parents place. The cake will be picked up at one and we are going to watch movies. Amber will come over after she is done work. I get to choose what to eat and Dad'll go pick it up. I still haven't quite figured out what I want yet. Then presents, more movies and just relaxing.

I don't have anything planned for having a big party with friends. I do enjoy parties with my friends but after that one year where there were a lot of upset people at the end of the party I don't really want to plan it myself. In mind my if I plan it than I am responsible for making sure that everyone is having a good time and if they're not than I feel really bad. If anyone else wants to plan one than I have no problem with that, though my actually birthday is reserved for partying with my family.

Speaking of family Mom and Dad are going to be coming over and we are going to Grandma's for a turkey dinner. Yay! I'm really looking forward to that... and I better sign off because they will be here any minute. Have a great day everyone!!

A very important life update

Hello everyone.

I suppose this will be a good chance to see if this whole post on Livejournal and it shows up on my Facebook works.

I know that a couple months ago (probably even several months ago) I promised an update on my life and why I have been MIA for so long. I'll be writing this as I try to get the next paperback orders under budget (a occasionally frustrating task that requires me to either take frequent breaks or go crazy). Plus I think that writing this is going to be very hard so it will be good to be able to take a break during this as well.

First I want to apologise to all those who have contacted me on Facebook and I have not responded. At first Facebook seemed great and was a lot of fun. Then what happened is so many people were contacting me at once and there were so many things to reply to or join that I just overloaded. Which leads to the first part. Anxiety. I've always been a somewhat anxious person, worrying about the silliest things but it was somewhat under control. It's not so much any more. Starting last year it got very maladaptive. I would worry about every little thing. Emailing and responding to things on Facebook or livejournal seemed impossible. Thinking of doing so would make me nauseous and/or give me a headache. At it's worse it might set off an anxiety attack. So I would just ignore things, try not to think of them. I think part of the problem is that I'm terribly shy and my shyness just gets worse when I'm online. I think this is because for e-mail and messages and stuff you lose nonverbal communication and this is a very important element for me. Without nonverbal communication, the body language and tones of voice that indicate wither a person is annoyed or interested or bored or angry I generally tend to presume the worse. I think about everything that I type. Is this going to be taken the wrong way, will they think I'm stupid if I say this?

Sadly it's not just online that I feel this way. It is certainly worse online but I've gotten fairly reclusive in real life too. I do for the most part okay in controlled situations, for example at the library or doing a presentation. When I'm at the library I know my role, and I know my stuff. I enjoy helping people find the books that they are looking for. Doing a presentation I have my notes and I've usually been thinking about it for quite awhile so I know what I'm doing.

Uncontrolled situations are things like a party or going out somewhere where there will be people I don't know very well. It's also things like church which is unfortunate. I haven't been to church for a while. I do miss it but when Sunday rolls around it's hard to get past the anxiety and almost panic about going. I use situations to give me an excuse not to go. Like I was up super late hanging out with a friend so I'm much too tired to go, and stuff like that.

I get anxious about small things. Too many things piling up at work, or not having the house clean. These are things that I should be able to deal with but feel like I can't.

The other major thing is depression and I'm not talking about just being a little bit blue. I'm talking about Clinical Depression (capital letters and all). This depression has probably been one of the worst things in my entire life. It's hard to explain. It would be like a crushing weight. At the worst of it I didn't feel connected to reality. I was thinking of suicide. Not just thinking of it but planning out details of how I would kill myself if I did commit suicide. What kept me from doing so was the knowledge that I would hurt a lot of people if I did kill myself. However the temptation became stronger and stronger so I finally went to see my doctor. I've had to see him twice (well four times counting the supplemental visits to be sure the medication wasn't having super adverse effects on my body). I am on medication now. At first I didn't want to go on medication. I thought that doing so made me weak. That it meant that I wasn't strong enough to handle this on my own. I had to do a lot of reading about depression to realize that this just isn't true. What I have, what I'm going through isn't my fault and the drugs do help. I do hope to someday be weaned off of them. If I get into a more financially secure situation I'm hoping to start going to a therapist to help change the chemistry in my brain more naturally.

So that's where I am now. I am feeling much better but I do have my really good days and my really, really bad days. The anxiety is certainly still an issue but I remain hopeful that I can improve. I've been drawing and enjoying art again (one of the things that happened during the depression is that I just couldn't find the energy or the willingness to draw... and when I don't want to draw you know that there is something wrong).

It has been somewhat terrifying to write this all down and I will admit up front that I might disappear for awhile again. Hopefully though it won't be too long and I can relate a lot of the other stuff that has been going on with my life.

Thanks for reading and if you do pray could you please pray for me.

Blizzard, Christmas, Work, etc.

I have a bit of a habit of disappearing off the face of the world for long stretches of time. I keep trying to train myself out of it but it just doesn’t seem to work. Alas.

I am currently working two jobs at the moment. Between both of them I’m probably a little bit over full time. On the plus side this means that I actually have money which is a bit of an odd thing. I am the Branch Head at Warman and have been making a lot of changes. When I first moved up in my position I was a bit flustered. Unfortunately I kept comparing myself to MA (the previous branch head) and in my mind coming up short. Once I stopped doing that and started running things my way things went a lot better. I’m also a part time circulation clerk at SIAST.

More about the Warman Branch. I love ordering in books. Shortly after MA left I was able to do a paperback order. It was so fun. I’m pretty sure that there should be another one coming up soon. I just can’t wait!

I also have been in the works with attempting to convert our booksale area into a Young Adult Lounge. Unfortunately this is stalled right now as I wait to hear back in terms of making the computer that is currently located there wireless so that it can be moved. I’ve started using the bulletin boards as actual bulletin boards. Currently our theme is Chill Out with a Good Book which is to go with our winter reading program. I’m just really excited about all the really cool things that we are doing at the library.

SIAST has been going good as well. Sometimes I get myself all worked up and worried about nothing but alas that is just me. I think I should tattoo those bible verses about not worrying on my arm or something. I really am enjoying myself there. Plus it’s nice to have sick days and stuff like that. I’m a bit worried that sometime in the future I’m going to have to go on strike but I suppose I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

The big blizzard of 2007 was a pretty enjoyable day for me. Mom and Dad called in the morning to let me know that the highways were blocked and I shouldn’t even think of trying to come into work. I agreed and called my supervisor. It’s really just as well. SIAST closed at 1:00 anyway, and it really was a bad blizzard. I played videogames in the living room for the entire afternoon with the blinds up on the windows. It was so bad that I couldn’t really even see across the street.

I was able to finish playing through Jade Empire again. This time my character was so evil that I was able to kick puppies. They gave health.

The next day we were snowed in. Seriously. Dad was nice enough to come out and help us unbury our cars. This was a good thing because the snow was piled up waist high outside our door. If he hadn’t come we would not have been able to leave the house. It was that high!

The great car unburyingCollapse )

Let's see, Christmas... it was really good!

I went into Mom and Dads and Grandma’s on Christmas Eve (mine and Dad’s departure was slightly delayed by the fact I had to do a load of laundry so that I could back my suitcase). I spent the night and only woke up from excitement three times during the night which is a new record. Generally I’m up every hour. Then we open presents. Mom and Dad really liked what I got them, though unfortunately what I got Grandma didn’t fit. I got lots of really cool stuff including manga, Inuyasha season one, and a Nintendo DS. I’ve used up the battery power on that quite a few times already. I also got socks which I was really happy to get because I desparately needed some new ones. There was lots of cat related stuff (~smile~) Then it was over to Uncle Jim’s and Aunty Cindy’s for the rest of the day. In total there was seven of us over there and that would be all my immediate family up to grandparents. Small, huh? But cozy.

I got some new really awesome Grandma made stuff. She also put together this great cookbook of slow cooker recipes which I have been making for the past couple of weeks.

On boxing day I finally purchased a tablet. I don’t know why I didn’t buy one of these sooner. It makes colouring my artwork so much simpler. Remember that poster I was working on for Kittie Kaat Remnants of the Past? Well I finally finished colouring it. Half of it was coloured with the mouse and the other half with the tablet. The tablet was faster, easier, and I personally think looks a little better. Of course it will take me awhile to learn how to use it to it's full advantage but that the was with everything.

Kittie Kaat Remnants of the PastCollapse )

Recommended link: Spiders on Drugs

Hm.. I think that is about everything.

--
Tamara

Sep. 29th, 2006

There had been much stress for the past little while regarding work, but that is mostly done with. Well there are still a couple of things that I am stressed about but don't think I should really post. It looks like I will be staying with the Warman Branch of the Wheatland Regional Library for awhile. Since this just barely pays the bills I have been looking for other part time work. The search does not go well. Not at the moment anyway. Alas.

In other news the car is behaving badly. And it's that particular type of badly that causes me trouble but works just fine when taken into a mechanic. We are going to try again tonight.

I did catch the nasty cold that's been going around but am mostly over it now. It was interesting in that I can no longer take decongestants (noooo!!!) and I just couldn't afford to take all that much time off of work. Speaking of work I should be getting my paycheck today. Yay!

In other news I've working on my comic a bit. I also have Darkwing Duck on DVD now (not all of it of course but what they have out). I felt bad about buying it, because I don't have all that much extra money but I had a hard time resisting the lure of the terror that flaps in the night. I was pleased to find that I love that show just as much now as I did when I was a kid. Sometimes when I watch shows that I enjoyed as a child now I wonder why I ever liked them.

I've been reading a lot too (surprise, surprise). Mostly I'm going through Garth Nix's Keys of the Kingdom books. They are very good.

Can't really think of too much else to post.

Hope everyone has a good day.

--Tamara

At the new place

Boy was last week ever hectic. Most noticeably Saturday. After many complicated things which I won't mention here we were allowed to move things into the new place. We didn't officially have the key yet but were able to at least get all the furnature out of the old place. So most of that afternoon was spent doing that. After both my parents and Amber's parents had left for their respective homes Amber and I went back to the old place. I then ended up losing a part of my vision. Around this time we got a call from the previous tenants of the new place saying we could come and pick up the key for good this time. So we stopped by on the way to the hospital.

Emergency was very busy but I did eventually get in. It turns out that I had an Acephalalgic Migraine. Far as I understand it, this was a classic migraine (a migraine with aura) that aborted before the blinding pain (thankfully). Still at the time it was a little scary. On the plus side my roommate works at the hospital so we found that with no problem. I think that it was just brought on by stress.

Other than that the move has not been too bad. We've both been enjoying our new place. Hopefully I'll most of the boxes unpacked before my party but there are an awful lot of boxes. I am looking forward to showing this place off.

In other bad news my car has decided to die on me. Thankfully I work in Warman so this isn't too crutial, and generally if I have to do things in the city Dad is willing to drive me around so that is nice. I guess that's pretty much it.

Sorry I haven't been on for awhile but there was a temporary cessation of internet while we moved. It's nice to have it back.

--Tamara

Argh

Most everything is packed up now. What we are currently waiting for is the key to the new place then we can start moving stuff over. In addition to all the moving stuff I've also had a pretty big project that I had to get done for the library. Well more than one, but the other project I'll work on over the weekend. All in all it's been a little stressful. I was able to go and work on my project today while Mom and Grandma came in and started cleaning this place.

In other news I've been to see Pirates of the Carribean twice. I really enjoyed it although was slightly miffed at the ending. Mostly because I'm impatient. I also am not too pleased by the love triangle they are developing, but whatever.

Oh, yes. A couple years back I had Hyperthyroidism. This basically meant that my thyroid was producing too much hormone. After a bunch of tests I was given some radioactive iodine to knock part of it out. I was warned at the time this could cause my thyroid to start producing too little hormone. This is what has happened. So now I'm on hormonal supplements for pretty much the rest of my life. Thankfully they are not super expensive and are really tiny little pills. Right now we are in the process of finding out the right dosage for me. I have some right now and in two months time I'll get some more blood work done and we'll see if the does is right. I have already been feeling much better because of them. Before this I had been very fatigued. I just felt so worn out, like I was stretched far too thin. Now that I have been on the pills for about a week I am feeling much better. I'm still tired sometimes, but it's a tiredness that comes from lack of sleep. Unfortunately the pills do react with my ventilin so I'm probably going to have to be even more careful about avoiding my asthmatic triggers.

And that's my life.
Hola everyone.

Last Sunday was the going away party for Taba, my friend from school. It was a really good party, though it had to switch locations a lot. Originally it was going to be at Kinsmin Park but they had lied about having barbeque pits. So we went to this little park by the river. It was really nice but too windy to keep a fire going. Finally we ended up at Taba's friend place. We roasted our meat and talked a lot. After awhile we went to go out for coffee. The first place we went to had just closed so we went to Boston Pizza and stayed there until it closed. I had a really nice time, but am rather sad that my friend has left the province. I do wish her the best of luck, but we'll all miss her.

Also on Sunday my roommate, Amber, came back from her vacation. We talked a lot and it is great just to be able to hang out with her again. She also got to join operation packing. That's what I have been doing for a lot of the time. Packing. Packing. And more packing.

That's not all that I have been doing, however, I've also been working on the Remnants of the Past Poster. I have managed to get the flat colours done. Now all that is left is shading, highlights, and finishing touches.

FlatsCollapse )

And that's pretty much it for now. I've got work tonight, and tomorrow I'll be leading the activity for the summer reading program (I suppose I had better look that over tonight).

Have a good day everyone.

--Tamara

Superman Returns, Art update, etc.

Hola everyone.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. In the afternoon Mom and Dad showed up with some more boxes and took the ones that I had already packed. While I was packing some more boxes I found my writings cd. I decided that instead of risking all those old writings getting lost I would actually transfer them over to my hard drive. Naturally part of the afternoon was spent reading some of those. It was a good trip down memory lane.

After that I pulled out my scanner and scanned in the line art I had done for my Kittie Kaat Remnants of the Past poster. This had been drawn on pretty big paper so it was not an easy thing to scan in. I think I had to do it in six parts and then stitch them together. Alas. If I had a more recent version of Photoshop Elements it would have stitched them together for me. As I don't I had to do it by hand. The image was scanned in at 1200 dpi so it should be good for enlarging and getting printed at a photoshop (likely Don's).

And here it is...Collapse )

After I was finished that I gave Mia a call and joined her on her walk. Then we went to go and see Superman Returns which was a pretty awesome movie. Even if we did giggle at inappropriate times.

Well I guess that I'm going to go and work on that poster for a bit. This will be interesting because it is so huge of a file. Aiya!

Ja

--Tamara

Accomplishments

Let's see. Sunday was a pretty good day. Dad and I went to church and it was a pretty good service. After that I was dropped off at home where I booted around for a while, had a nap, etc. Finally I decided I was going to track down a new bulb for my lava lamp. I packed up the old bulb in my purse and off I went. London Drugs didn't have and neither did Zellars. I finally ended up at Canadian Tire where I found a bulb that looked similiar. It also had a picture of a lava lamp on it so I figured this must be the right bulb. The bulb cost me almost as much as the lava lamp.

Since I was so close to Mom and Dad's anyway I gave them a call to be sure they were home and than had supper with them. It was nice just to relax with my family for a bit. We discussed the new house for a bit and I learned that Grandma is also going to give us the outside umbrella for our deck.

I went downstairs to hang out with Dad for awhile. He was working on the pictures that he had taken on Canada Day. They were pretty incredible. I am always in awe at Dad's skill at photography.

Yesterday Mom and Dad came over with some more boxes. Mom stayed to help pack/clean and Dad went to go and talk with Pastor Greg. I got all of my cat collection that was in the living packed as well as all the books and movies that were on the display stand/bookcase. Mom cleaned up the kitchen and packed up the spare bedding.

Eventually we had to stop because we ran out of boxes. Dad eventually brought over the rest of the boxes from the elementary school. They are also going to be hunting around the city for more boxes to bring on Wednesday. Today, after work, I'm hoping to get a majority of my clothes packed, leaving just the ones that I think I'll need. This will be a bit hard for me, but it'll only be for a month and without all the clothes my room should look neater. That's one of my goals to accomplish quickly. I want my room to look presentable before my current landlord starts to show this place to people.

Last night I also finished the inks for my Kittie Kaat Remnants of the Past poster. Now all I have to do is clear off enough room on my computer desk to pull out the scanner and scan it in.

The summer reading program is going pretty good. We have a fair amount of kids signed up already. We have a goal this year. We hope to have collectively read 5000 books for the summer reading program. I made up a trophy cup for us to colour in.

I woke up today feeling rather woozy. I'm not sure what's going on there. Oh well maybe I'll be feeling better by the time work comes along.

That's pretty much it for now.

--Tamara

Canada Day

Happy Canada Day everyone!

I have spent the entire day either on the computer, drawing, or watching television. As such my mood has mostly been either bored, lonely, or depressed with the occasional feeling of accomplishment. I'm fairly close to finishing the pencils on the Kittie Kaat Remnants of the Past poster. When I look at it I either think that it's alright or that it sucks and what am I thinking? This sucks and that sucks and I should just forsake drawing forever. Then I berate myself for being a drama queen, again! At the moment I am feeling fairly well disposed towards the poster and am anxious to start colouring it.

And that's really all that I have to report right now. I probably should do some more packing, but it's a stat and all that. I think I'll take some time off.

Once again, Happy Canada Day!